Forty eight hours with only half the truth told.

I’ve got stories to finish but the motivation is not there. It’s nice that people say I’m good at stuff, but last weekend my motivation was stolen by a ghost.

Isn’t it sad that old friends hold the power to rewrite your history when they talk to others? Isn’t it sad that those others actually believe it and take it as truth? The truth those others now hold in their heads is a half-light in late autumn; a mirage, and it’s cold. I want to reclaim that truth but I feel I’d just be screaming into a void. At the same time I just don’t want to be a fast-track route for people who once acted horribly to get to feel better about themselves now. I have nothing more to give.

Isn’t it sad that people think ‘being the better person’ is more important than being healthy and getting on with your life? I was so close to being healthy again. There’s people I don’t want to talk to any more and that should be respected. Just like who I have sex with, it’s my choice.

That never maps out to reality though. I mean, in the past, sex has not always been my choice either. And this leads to one final fact. If enough things are forced upon you and enough people keep saying I should forgive, forgive, forgive, it grates enough I want to leave everyone behind.

There’s his voice in the back of my head that says just let it happen. let them tear the skin. let them rip it from you. you’re not important; they are. let them take all your gifts and then take more. will they feel sad if they destroy you? that doesn’t matter – just let them, just let them. it’s easier this way, let them have it. I hate his voice, despite the fact that he saved me many times before, and I want to shut everything out.

The saddest thing of all is, I know of people close to me who have spent years, even decades, trying to get away from unhealthy people, and even when they manage it, start new lives, gain self-esteem again, they get followed by these people who won’t take no for an answer. I don’t want to get to my fifties and still be in this situation.  I wish it wasn’t happening to them. Closure is a bullshit concept and doesn’t taken into account their feelings.

Today, I don’t feel like eating is worth it (his voice is very commanding), but I will try to convince myself. I promise I’ll try. I don’t want to hurt anyone who cares about me.

 

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